Apologies To Hanna-Barbera

I never thought I'd say this, but Scooby Doo sucks. Don't get me wrong, as a kid I loved Scooby, at least until that little pisher Scrappy joined the gang. But as an adult, Scooby is quite annoying. Forget that he is more functional than many adults. I'm annoyed by the know-it-all gang of kids that gets all up in everybody's business to solve so-called mysteries, which always involve some greedy grown-up wearing a full-body costume - usually over a full suit, shoes and glasses - haunting a mansion/laboratory/hotel by levitating candles and chasing after the gang in an oddly hunched pose while making 'GRRRAAA' sounds.

It takes the gang 30 minutes to realize the criminal is the first person they met, the most obvious character, and, as Bryon the attorney had to point out, the criminal always confesses. ("I'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids.")

As a kid I thought Freddie was cute. I'm sure I wanted to be just like Daphne. Scooby and Scrappy, comic relief. And, like a lot of girls, I probably dismissed Velma as the smart one. (Shame on them for making the smart girl unattractive, but what might be worse is that in the 'new' Scooby Doo, Daphne is the smart one.)

But, again as adult, I think Freddie is a pompous gasbag who constantly refers to his van as the Mystery Machine. No mystery Freddie, I hate you. Velma, you're pretentious, even though your cowlneck sweater is stylish. Daphne, Freddie's gay. Your coyishness, mod clothes and groovy dance steps aren't going to change that. And Shaggy, your best friend is a talking Great Dane. You should've studied harder in high school. I see nothing but a ragged couch, daytime TV and a bag of Doritos in your future.