Little White Lies

So last night about 10:30 Jake came padding into the bedroom and asked, "Where's Felix?"

As you can guess, I hadn't told him Felix died. I haven't told Abby either because I don't think she'll ask, but Jake is a different story. These things bother him. And when it happened Saturday there were other things going on - Grandma Becky leaving, Dad coming home from a long trip, music lessons, a camp performance - and I just didn't want to rock the boat.

But last night I told him. Sort of. I told him that Saturday when I went on my morning rounds looking for Felix, I found him laying quietly next to our neighbor's koi pond (true) and that he had fallen asleep and died there, peacefully (not true). I reminded him that Felix had a great life - an outdoor cat for 8 years that never got in a cat fight, hunted birds and mice nearly until the end, and perpetually lazed about with a clowder of neighborhood cats.

Jake sobbed. Hard. He couldn't remember the last time he petted Felix. He wished I would've kept some of his fur (in his prime Felix had the thickest, silkiest long black fur). He said he wished I would've been there when Felix died so he wouldn't have died alone. I didn't retract my story. I still think it sounds better to say he drifted off staring into a fish pond, dreaming of the days when he had the strength and urge to dive in.

Jake still cried himself to sleep.

A couple months ago Sam, Jake and I were at Target. As we walked past the groceries, we heard a woman shout down the aisle, "Grandpa, can I grab you some nuts?!" Of course Sam and I giggled. Jake was furious. How dare we make fun of that man? He was someone's grandpa. What if he walked slow? What if he couldn't hear? These were all Jake's questions.

I tried to explain we weren't laughing at the man and we certainly weren't making fun, but Jake wouldn't have it. This kid, who can insult without remorse, pounce without fear, was suddenly sympathetic.

I"m not sure I will ever figure Jake out. He's going to be a cage fighter who works for the ACLU. He's going to be a Hell's Angel who grooms poodles.

He's going to sob at his daughter's wedding.

Au Revoir FiFi

So Saturday morning we put our 8-year-old cat Felix to sleep. He'd been sick since early Spring, but I kept thinking maybe he'd bounce back. After he lost a lot of his hair, shrivelled down to three pounds and quit eating I realized that wasn't going to happen.

Part of the decision was selfish. Felix was and always had been an outdoor cat. In recent weeks the first thing I would do in the morning was check the yards and street and alley to make sure he hadn't died during the night. I was afraid he would crawl into a neighbor's garage and die and I would never find him. I wanted the peace of knowing.

A few weeks ago I took him to the vet, thinking it was time but after giving him some fluids he seemed to rebound a little. He would never regain the lion's mane he once had or grow back the whiskers that seemed to spread 12 inches across his face, but he ate again. He came to you when you called.

On Saturday morning I went looking for him and found him staring into our neighbor's koi pond. At first he didn't respond and I thought maybe he had died there. My immediate emotion was relief. But he slowly turned his head and acknowledged me, and I made the decision then and there. Before the kids woke up my mom and I took him to the vet.

He didn't fight the car ride as most cats do. He didn't fight the IV. From the time we walked in until we walked out was 12 minutes.

I buried him in the side yard with our other lost cats. In recent years my neighbor and I have lost Bully, Phineas, Ferb, Felix, Black Cat and Izzy.

Felix was a great cat ... Even in his old, infirm stage he would cuddle and rub his face on yours. He was extremely patient with our kittens, who wouldn't leave him alone. I'm sure he smelled like age and grass and dirt, things they don't yet know.

I have only cried once, the morning we put him down, because I know it was the right thing to do. And if you've ever put a pet to sleep it is a very tender thing. For Felix it was the humane thing to do. Although the way we humans treat each other, I'm not sure that is the appropriate word. It was the 'feline' thing to do.



Felix the Lion in his prime

Age Before Beauty

Even though I only know Nora Ephron from her movies, I was saddened to hear about her recent death, mostly because it reminds me of her appearance on Oprah a few years ago. That day the guests also included Geena Davis and  Diahann Carroll and the topic was aging gracefully.

While the show was funny it was also bittersweet because, as I'm beginning to understand, getting older isn't much fun. And even though these ladies have led extraordinary lives and do exude grace and dignity, their stories about graying hair, sagging necks, menopause and wrinkles are ultimately quite sad. I've said it before and I'll say it here again, God is definitely a man. And I don't think He ever really forgave Eve.

At one point Nora Ephron was talking about the two things that age a woman. One is gray hair, the other is her neck. According to her, coloring your hair (and not the pinkish, blue-ish tinges of our grandmothers) and covering your neck are the easiest ways to shave off some years. If you watched the show, you would notice she is wearing a scarf.

I say all this because for me, this is the year of the neck. Lately I have noticed a dip in my neck, a sag, if you will, that sometimes doesn't move as fast as the rest of my head. As Nora would say, I feel bad about my neck. And my legs. After three kids I have the legs of a middle-aged woman, and occasionally I am reminded of this. Like yesterday when I came downstairs dressed for church and Abby looked me up and down and said, "Seriously? Don't you think that's a little short?"

Still Funny

Today as we were rounding the corner to church Abby asked, "Why is God named God?"

Before I had time to fabricate an answer Sam answered, without skipping a beat, "Because Chuck Norris was taken."