Point A To Point B

Sam: "Was George Washington shot? Or killed?"

Me: "I don't think so. I think he died naturally."

Sam: "Abraham Lincoln was shot. He didn't die right away though. He died the next day."

Me: "John F. Kennedy was shot too. Right here in Dallas."

Sam: "Who shot him?"

Me (pausing): "Lee Harvey Oswald."

Sam: "Why?"

Me: "Well I guess he didn't like the things the president did or stood for."

Sam: "Abraham Lincoln didn't like slavery. Making people work without pay. Sometimes with chains. Just like Princess Leia."

Me: "Oh yeah?"

Sam: "You know why Jabba the Hutt chose Princess Leia?"

Me: "No, why?"

Sam: "Because she was hot."

Wii the People

So I bought a Wii.

Bryon and I talked about getting one for Christmas, but at that point, the boys had so many presents it seemed obnoxious. But for the past few months every time I went to Target (which is a lot) I'd check and of course, no Wii. But last week on a trip to Super Target to get baby socks, macaroni and cheese, contact solution and a coloring book (they don't call it Super Target for nothing), Sam and I found a Wii.

There was no golden light, no confetti, no Handel's Messiah playing in the background. Just a small white box and a jaded salesperson.

Although we did have a lot of fun with it the first couple of days, we also had our share of meltdowns and marathon play. (At some point the Wii tells you it's time to take a break. Not in our house. Screw you Wii! I have to shoot more skeet!)

And while I tried to justify that it is better than typical video or computer games - at least you are moving around and learning the rules of a sport - I soon realized you can just as easily play a game of tennis, a round of golf or box 10 rounds lying on the couch.

Who's the Boss?

I used to be a clean freak. When Bryon was in law school I would spend entire Saturdays cleaning. Now I just aspire to be a clean freak. But every once in awhile, the compulsion rears its head and I feel the need to clean. Usually when we are expecting company. Why company would be looking in my closet doesn't matter. I just can't really relax until things are in shape. But I've lowered my standards a lot. Now I clean the guest bed and the guest bathroom. Done.

Today I was running through the house trying to tidy up for weekend company and to speed the process along I tried to put Sam to work.

"Sam, if you take this broom and sweep up, I will give you $5."

"I'll do it for $10."

"No," I told him. "$10 is too much. I'd do it for $10."

"I'll give you $20 to do it yourself," he told me.

"You don't have $20." With that he ran upstairs and sure enough, came back with a crumpled $20 bill.

So there we were, Sam playing a video game, and me, sweeping with the $20 he gave me.

Lessons

I recently read an article that said kids today receive an average of 75 new toys a year. I believe it. Not that I'm proud of it, but it's too easy to offer a small toy as a reward or bribe your kids with a toy if they'll just make it through one hour at the grocery store.

After a recent, frustrating trip with the boys to Target I avoided a traffic jam by taking a detour through downtown Dallas. The shortcut took us right by a homeless shelter, and since the shelter is closed during the day, the sidewalk in front was filled with homeless people. The stoplight turned red, and I saw my opportunity to make a point.

"See that guy. I bet he isn't interested in getting a new computer game. I bet he'd like a pair of new shoes or a clean shirt or maybe a meal and a toothbrush. You see he doesn't even have a home to live in."

"I don't know," Sam said. "It seems like he has all he needs. A pillow, a blanket, a backpack for his clothes."

"Don't you think he would get lonely living on the streets? He probably doesn't have a family."

"I bet he's happy he doesn't kids he has to clean up after."

Maybe I need to rethink my approach.

Fashion Police

Like a lot of women my age, I went through an earring phase in the 80s and 90s. I had close to a hundred pair and the bigger the better. Occasionally, when I was feeling a bit saucy I would even wear a different one in each ear. (Thank you Martha Quinn.)

But somewhere around 1995 I lost my ability to accessorize and since then I've been wearing small pearl studs, the smaller the better. I have to confess that I buy them in the girls' jewelry department because I consider adult earrings too big.

But in a recent desire to look like Rihanna on the cover of Elle, I invested in a $3 pair of huge silver hoops and actually liked the way they looked. But I needed a second opinion.

"What do you think Sam? Do you like these?

"Yes, they're sassy. But you look a little silly."

"Really, why?"

"Don't you think your shirt is too casual. I mean, shouldn't you be wearing a dress or a suit with those earrings?"

Mother's Day

I had a long essay about what motherhood and Mother's Day means to me, but I have decided against posting it. Instead I'll just say that if you are a Mom, I hope you got whatever you wanted - more time with the kids, less time with the kids, a gourmet brunch, your kids' burnt toast. And I hope that each day, amidst the dirty diapers or puppy love or sibling rivalry or SATs, you find something wonderful and magical about motherhood.

Vs.

As we sat on the porch today, Sam pulled a purple costume ring out of his pocket and placed it on my finger.

"You know we're married now, right?" I asked him.

"We can't be married. You're already married. And that's one of God's commanders. If you're married you can't fall in love with someone else."

"Well, if God says that's true, I guess I can't argue."

"No, you can't. God would win."

Thanks Walt

The kids are big into 101 Dalmatians now. It's in the DVD player in the van, and although we used to say the van DVD was only for long trips, I have come to love and respect the van DVD player. And now that I let them watch it every day on the drive to school I don't even bother with the headphones (when you give in, you give in BIG) so for the past couple of weeks I've heard 101 Dalmatians 101 times.

If you don't remember, it is very charming. Darling couple, darling flat in London. But one thing I didn't remember about the movie is the language.

Let me explain.

It must've been very common in Walt Disney's time to refer to everyone as an idiot.

"Oh Roger," Anita purrs coquettishly. "You are an idiot."

"Oh Pongo, you renegade, you idiot," Roger says to his beloved dog.

"Jasper, you idiot. You imbecile," Cruela De Vil yells at her bungling accomplice.

Needless to say 'idiot' and 'imbecile' have been tossed around our house a lot lately.

That said Sam has learned some interesting vernacular. The other day he was telling me how he managed to climb a tree in our backyard. "I stepped on that branch, held onto that branch, swung my leg up, and Bob's Your Uncle, I was at the top."

Questions

My friend Cindy forwarded a list of questions posed to kids at Mother's Day. This afternoon, after school, I asked Sam the same questions.

1. Why did God make mothers?
So you could make babies and there could be a Mother's Day.

2. What are mothers made of?
Oil, flowers, eyeballs, string

3. Why did God give you me as a mom?
Because you made me and I'm yours.

4. What kind of a little girl was I?
You played blocks with Grandma Becky. You had blond hair and a little mouth.

5. What did I need to know about Dad before I married him?
You needed to know his name. And if he drank beer and had friends.

6. Why did I marry daddy?
So he didn't get left out.

7. Who's the boss at our house?
Daddy, because he's the biggest.

8. What's the difference between moms and dads?
Dads barely have boobs, and moms have huge boobs. (Clearly he's not referring to me.)

9. What do I do in my spare time?
Go to hotels, get on airplanes and shop. (Again, clearly he's not referring to me.)

10. What would it take to make me perfect?
You would buy us toys all the time.

11. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
Your clothes because I don't think they're perfect. They should have fancy stuff like flowers, kitty cats and trees.

Trooper

Abby's had a rough week - a pneumonia scare, a 3-day (and counting) battle with hives and as of last night, a bleeding nick in the head from a bath toy thrown by Jake. If I were her, I would be doing a lot of whining (and wining - if you know what I mean) but she has handled it all in stride. Remaining positively sunny and goofy.